Nicola Sturgeon has left politics to join the Royal Navy

Today it has emerged that the First Minister of Scotland and leader of the Scottish National Party has resigned from public life to pursue a career in the navy. Speaking recently she said, “I’ve been a politician for 30 years but the navy has finally given me a purpose and a chance to turn my life around”.

When questioned about this change of direction, she replied, “I was getting fed up of having no friends. Theresa was really unkind to me and the man at NATO was not very welcoming at all. Even the EU commissioners were surprisingly rude”. Asked what made her choose the navy, she said, “Someone recently commented that SNP policy was ‘all at sea’ and it got me thinking. I was beginning to bore even myself, banging on about how we need another referendum. So I decided to bury the hatchet and do something that will serve the interests of everyone. I went down to the navy recruitment office and the friendly people there offered me another once-in-a-lifetime opportunity”, she said tearfully. “Now I’m a sailor I no longer have to put up with all those tedious meetings at Holyrood. I was born in Scotland but made in the Royal Navy” she added.

But it seems some old habits die hard; “I’m looking forward to serving on a Scottish-based ship, preferably with a Scottish name, operating in Scottish waters, protecting the people of Scotland” she said. On hearing that she would have to do basic training at Britannia Royal Naval College in England, she called for the establishment to be immediately re-located to Glasgow.

Following Nicola’s lead, in an open letter to the internet, Scottish cybernats have also apologised for years of online abuse and dogma and have promised that, from now on, they will only tweet about Bake-off and post pictures of cats on Facebook. CND has also announced it now plans to “jack it all in”. A protestor at the Faslane peace camp commented “We’ve been here since the 1980s warning everyone we are about to die in a nuclear holocaust unless we abandon Trident. I’m getting a bit disillusioned as nuclear war has not broken out and I’m still alive. Maybe deterrence does work after all, besides it’s always cold and raining up here.”

Nicola’s brave example has inspired other political figures. Boris Johnson says he feels it’s his duty to keep doing a stellar job as Foreign Secretary but has signed on as a Royal Navy Reservist in his spare time. On joining his first ship, he was heard to say “So let’s go sink some Frenchies… er… I mean Ruskies… gosh you have lady sailors now… oh…er… how marvellous… I mean er… anyway where’s my cabin? does it have a sea view?… wake me if it comes on to blow…”

A serious shortage of personnel has seen the RN raise its upper age limit for entry and relax its eligibility criteria. An RN spokesperson stated, “we are proud to be an equal opportunities employer and welcome anyone to apply to serve, regardless of their age or background, although we might draw the line at Nigel Farage.”

Jeremy Corbyn also tried to join the Royal Navy but during initial training he was given a rifle and accidentally shot himself in the foot, sadly putting an end to his brief naval career. “This has confirmed my worst fears that weapons are unhelpful” he said gravely “but I’m now supporting a plan to build a large, but entirely unarmed navy. I want us to build more ships because it creates lots of jobs.” He added “Jobs are great but weapons are quite nasty”.

 

Please note, this article was written in good faith by our finest defence reporter but it has come to our attention that this may contain a few inaccurate statements. Our normally impeccable source has since admitted to “making up a load of complete b*llocks”.

 

Restoring the UK’s maritime patrol aircraft capability (Part 2)
Infographic: Timeline for delivering carrier strike